The Unanswered

Love. How can someone possibly love another human so much. When the other human does not love them back? Sure you care about them and wish them well and have a place for them in your heart. But what if you cannot mentally and emotionally love – and I mean love… them back? Or at least love them the same amount as they love you. And how is it possible that this human can be so convinced that you’re the one for him. Or maybe that’s what they want to believe. It is what you want yourself to believe as well. Because it’s everything one ideally wants in a partner. You know you could live a happy life with them… or maybe so you think. If you aren’t happy with them now what makes you think that will ever change. Or maybe it could change. Has your heart grown cold?  Could it be possible you refuse the love received because your own heart doesn’t have the capabilities to accept it, or does it accept it and just simply cannot return it. What changed? What has the heart undergone in the past 6 years that has changed. Is it possible to love someone the same amount they love me, even if its not towards that person in general but towards anyone. Am I capable of producing and giving such extravagant love? Or maybe it’s not in my nature… anymore. Could a heart turn so cold so young? Could a life changing event have done so and it’s not until years later you begin to realize the result of such trauma? Is this what I’ve done to myself? Is it possible one can completely shut off the concept of emotion, so much so that it is impossible for it to return? In the fear of experiencing one of the worst pains on earth? Death in any of it’s forms? Could one life changing event doom someone so much that they are unable to ever give one of life’s greatest gifts, to love? To set all emotion to the side, to shun it out of minds processing to ignore to neglect to completely forget about ever feeling anything? Is it possible? While all of this is going on are you the entire time too busy analyzing your life and the life of others to never really be living your own life? Is your life full of critique and analyzing that you never get to actually experience what the joys of life are. Or maybe this is what life is about, and you’re too consumed with the sugar coated movie version. Of course its tough and its not easy and its confusing and you get lost and only sometimes you’re found. Physically present but mentally absent. Physically present but emotionally mute. They’ve been muted before, countable times before but now are we unable to press the button to un-mute. That’s where I am right now, at least how I feel. Anything that triggers an expected emotion is everything I stray away from. Have I gotten lost? Isn’t life all about feeling – too much thinking, not enough feeling, too much feeling not enough thinking – they both mess you up. Neither of them could possibly hold the correct answer. So you must do both. But where is that fine line you cannot cross to stay sane in your head – are we meant to stay sane or meant to cross these borders and discover something else. Where on this spectrum does one find successful love and how long does it take? What if I can never love? Dramatic it may seem but potentially possible to lose such natural capabilities to feel and accept a deeper love. So much self hate so much critique so much worrying. When was the last time you really remember living in the moment and weren’t thinking about the work that needs to be done or thinking about how the situation could be different. Does that make me ungrateful? What is living in the moment in a world of technology and constant access to anything and everything except what’s around you already. I don’t remember really, I spend a good portion of my life overthinking, especially planning and analyzing. My life is going to flash before my eyes before I can even answer all of these questions, because to answer these questions one needs to put themselves in the world, not stand on the outside looking in. Less thinking more feeling. One needs to experience and to get out of their comfort zone and needs to take a step back and realize that life is happening now, and its going to keep on coming. Till the day it stops.

Here’s to my last post in 2016, and here’s to not making the same mistakes again in 2017.

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shot by Sally Daoud.